Decreased libido: understanding the variations in desire

1. First of all: a fluctuating libido is the norm

We often have the image of a "stable" desire: if everything is going well, we should feel the urge regularly, more or less constantly. In reality, libido is a barometer very sensitive to what is happening in your life.

It varies depending on:

• fatigue, stress level, mental workload;
• the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, postpartum, menopause;
• the quality of the relationship (conflicts, closeness, emotional security);
• mental state (mood, anxiety, depression);
• certain medications or treatments;
• life events (bereavement, moving, parenthood, burnout, illness…).

Longitudinal studies show, for example, that sexual desire evolves over time and is not fixed: in couples, women's desire tends to fluctuate more over the years, while men's is often more stable, on average. Harris et al., 2023 – Variations in desire over time

In other words, just because your desire changes doesn't mean you're "broken." The important question is: does this decrease cause you or your partner suffering? If you feel that fatigue, stress, or exhaustion are playing a role, the article "Burnout & Sexuality: How to Rediscover Your Sensuality" may also shed some light on the matter.

2. You are far from alone: ​​what studies say

Difficulties related to desire are much more common than we think.

• A standard review indicates that 43% of women and 31% of men report at least one sexual disorder, and that low sexual desire affects approximately 30% of women and 15% of men in some population studies. Rosen et al., 2000 – Prevalence of sexual disorders
• A review on female desire estimates that 43% of women report low libido , while approximately 10% meet the criteria for hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) , that is, a persistent decrease associated with significant distress. Kingsberg, 2013 – Low Desire and HSDD
• In a large Danish study, approximately 20% of women and 8% of men reported low sexual desire, with a tendency for desire to decline with age. Pedersen et al., 2015 – Sexual Desire and Satisfaction
• A Polish study found that 29% of women cited decreased libido as one of the most frequent sexual difficulties. Lew-Starowicz et al., 2019 – Prevalence of sexual disorders

These figures vary depending on the country, definitions, and methods, but the message is clear: a decreased or erratic libido is extremely common . You are neither abnormal nor alone. To complement this more "numerical" data with concrete and sensitive suggestions, you can then read *Pleasure Without Penetration: 15 Truly Effective Ideas * or * How to Rekindle Passion After Several Years of a Relationship *.

3. The main causes of a decreased libido

In the vast majority of cases, a decrease in libido doesn't have a single cause. It's a combination of biological, psychological, and relational factors . Here are the main areas to explore.

3.1. Stress, fatigue and mental workload

Numerous studies show a clear link between stress and decreased libido . When the brain is preoccupied with worries, it struggles to let itself go and experience pleasure.

• Recent studies have shown that on days when people feel more stressed, they report less desire and arousal , while days with more sexual activity are subsequently accompanied by less stress. Mües et al., 2025 – Daily Stress & Desire
• In couples monitored daily, higher stress levels are associated with lower sexual satisfaction and desire , particularly among those already experiencing difficulties with desire. Girouard et al., 2025 – Stress & Sexual Health of Couples

When the mind is in "survival" mode, the body often puts desire on the back burner. This isn't a flaw, it's a protective mechanism . If you recognize yourself in this description, the article "Burnout & Sexuality: How to Rediscover Your Sensuality" offers a very concrete step-by-step guide to reconnecting with pleasure when you're exhausted.

3.2. Hormones, cycle, pregnancy, postpartum, menopause

Sex hormones clearly influence desire, especially in women:

• Desire can vary during the menstrual cycle ;
• Pregnancy and postpartum (fatigue, pain, body image, mental load) can reduce desire for a time;
• Perimenopause and menopause (vaginal dryness, hot flashes, sleep disturbances) are often associated with a decrease in libido.

Several reviews highlight the impact of hormonal fluctuations throughout life on sexual behavior and mood. Gilfarb et al., 2022 – Hormonal Fluctuations & Behavior

3.3. Medications and physical health

Certain medical conditions (cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, chronic pain, cancer, etc.) and certain treatments can directly or indirectly impact desire:

• certain antidepressants , anxiolytics, antihypertensives;
• hormonal treatments, chemotherapy;
• diseases that exhaust the body or alter self-image.

Reviews highlight the impact of chronic diseases on sexuality and quality of life. Feier et al., 2024 – Early colorectal cancer & sexuality ; Healthline – Heart disease & sexual health

3.4. Mental health: anxiety, depression, self-image

Sexuality is intimately linked to the psyche. A recent review on women's sexual health and psychological well-being shows that anxiety and depression are frequently associated with:

• less desire,
• more difficulties with arousal,
• Less sexual satisfaction. Arcos-Romero & Sierra, 2023 – Psychological well-being & sexual health

Self-esteem, body image, and a history of trauma or abuse can also play a very important role. If this resonates with you, our article "The Languages ​​of Pleasure: Which One Is Yours?" can help you identify what fuels (or diminishes) your sense of desire beyond just "libido."

3.5. Quality of the relationship and couple context

Libido is often discussed as if it were a purely individual matter, whereas the context of the couple matters enormously.

• Research shows a strong association between relationship stress and sexual dysfunction . McCabe et al., 2017 – Relationship Stress & Sexual Dysfunction
• Couples who communicate better about their needs and make time for each other report, on average, greater sexual satisfaction. Quinn-Nilas et al., 2024 – Mindfulness & Marital Relationships

Routine, unresolved conflicts, resentment, lack of time together, exhausting parenthood… all of this can stifle desire , even if the love is still there. To rekindle the connection, you can use practical tools such as 20 intimate questions to strengthen your romantic connection or How to rekindle passion after several years of relationship .

4. Temporary decrease in libido or desire disorder? Distinguishing between the two

In diagnostic classifications (DSM-5), a "normal" decrease in desire is distinguished from a sexual desire disorder when certain criteria are present:

• desire (or erotic thoughts) that is persistently weak or absent ;
• for at least 6 months ;
• with a significant level of distress or suffering ;
• not primarily explained by another disorder, substance, or disease. DSM-5 – Hypoactive sexual desire

In women, the current term is female sexual interest/desire disorder , which combines desire and arousal. In men, the term is hypoactive sexual desire disorder . Reviews estimate that approximately 8 to 12% of women meet these criteria, depending on age group. Parish & Hahn, 2016 – HSDD in women

Key takeaways:

• A temporary decrease in libido (period of stress, bereavement, overload) is generally normal ;
• A low desire that does n't bother you (you're comfortable with it, your relationship too) isn't necessarily a pathology;
• It is the suffering felt (and its impact on your life) that gives the warning signal, more than the exact frequency of your cravings.
  
  

5. Libido and overall health: an indicator to consider

Sexuality is not an optional luxury: it is a dimension of overall health . A large-scale review conducted for the World Health Organization in 2024 shows that:

• A sexuality experienced as positive is associated with less depression and anxiety ;
• to a better quality of life and greater overall satisfaction;
• This link exists at different ages of life and in various contexts. Vasconcelos et al., 2024 – Sexual health & well-being

In other words, a decreased libido can sometimes be a subtle signal that something needs attention: chronic fatigue, overload, sadness, tension in the relationship, untreated illness…

This is not a reason to feel guilty. It is an invitation to ask yourself: "What do I need right now? Is my body trying to tell me something?" And sometimes, this starts with very concrete adjustments in how you reconnect with pleasure - for example by experimenting with other, gentler forms of sexuality like those offered in Pleasure Without Penetration , or by creating sensory rituals with massage oils or couples' gift sets .

6. What to do if your libido is down?

Here are some suggestions, which you can adapt to your situation:

• Get a medical check-up : talk to your doctor, gynecologist or urologist (medications, hormones, pain, associated diseases).
• Work on stress and fatigue : sleep, mental load, restorative activities, and seeking outside help. If you are experiencing severe burnout, the article "Burnout & Sexuality: How to Rediscover Your Sensuality" will provide a more detailed action plan.
• Dare to talk with your partner : name what you're experiencing ("it's difficult for me," "I don't have fewer feelings, but my body is tired"), and define together what would put less pressure on you. You can use the questions suggested in 20 Intimate Questions to Strengthen Your Romantic Connection or the suggestions in Fantasies as a Couple: How to Talk About Them Without Taboo to Open Up the Dialogue.
• Redefining sexuality : allowing yourselves moments of cuddling, caressing, and sensuality without the obligation of intercourse or orgasm. For very concrete ideas, browse our book, *Pleasure Without Penetration: 15 Truly Effective Ideas *, and, if you wish, our selection of gift sets for couples and massage oils to support these rituals.
• Consult a sexologist or couples therapist if the suffering is significant, if the decline persists or is accompanied by deeper blockages.

One of the recurring messages from research is that appropriate support (sex therapy, couples therapy, sometimes medical intervention) can truly improve desire, satisfaction, and quality of life. Clayton & Parish, 2021 – Management of HSDD

Conclusion: your desire is not an exam to pass

A libido that rises, falls, and pauses during a difficult time in life is not a bug: it is often a coherent response to your context.

Understanding the variations of desire means:

• to get out of the guilt (“I’m not normal”),
• to place desire within a broader context (body, emotions, couple, context),
• to give you the opportunity to seek help if you need it.

You are not your libido, and you are not defined by the frequency of your desires. However, you deserve to understand what is happening for you, with gentleness and curiosity – and, if you wish, to rediscover a sexuality that reflects who you are.

To continue your exploration, you can then delve into The Languages ​​of Pleasure , discover other ways to nurture connection with 20 intimate questions , or imagine new sensual rituals thanks to our gift sets for couples and massage oils .

FAQ: decreasing libido & variations in desire

Is it normal for my libido to vary so much depending on the time of year?

Yes. Studies clearly show that sexual desire fluctuates over the years, through different life phases (new relationships, parenthood, periods of stress, menopause, etc.), and even from week to week. In women, desire tends to vary more over time than in men, on average. (Harris et al., 2023)

To better navigate these fluctuations as a couple, the suggestions offered in How to Rekindle Passion After Several Years of Relationship may also inspire you.

How can I tell if my decreased libido is "normal" or worrying?

Ask yourself three questions:

• How long has it been like this? (a few weeks vs. more than 6 months)
• Does this cause me pain?
• Does this create suffering or a major blockage in my relationship?

If the decline persists, weighs heavily on you, or prevents you from experiencing your sexuality as you wish, it's worth talking to a professional (doctor, sexologist, therapist). In the meantime, you can ease the pressure by broadening your definition of sexuality, for example, through the ideas of Pleasure Without Penetration .

Why did my libido suddenly drop?

A sudden fall can be linked to:

• a difficult life event (bereavement, breakup, burnout, emotional shock);
• a new treatment (antidepressant, pill, hormonal treatment…);
• a depressive or anxious episode;
• a pain or physical problem that makes sexuality uncomfortable.

If the change is very pronounced and lasting, a medical and psychological evaluation is a good idea. The article "Burnout & Sexuality" can also help you understand the link between exhaustion and desire.

Do women really have "less libido" than men?

Studies show that difficulties related to desire are common in both genders, but are expressed differently. According to some reviews, approximately 30 to 40% of women and 15 to 20% of men report experiencing problems with desire at some point ( Rosen et al., 2000 ; Pedersen et al., 2015). Therefore, it is not a matter of "frigid women vs. always-ready men," but rather of context, pressure, health, and relationships.

Can porn or masturbation "kill" libido with my partner?

It all depends on how you use it. For some people, excessive and compulsive porn consumption can alter their expectations, attention span, or availability for sexual activity with a partner. But it's not automatic. The important thing is to watch honestly.

• Does this systematically replace contact with the other person?
• Does this create an emotional distance between you and your partner?
• Do you feel like you're losing control?

If so, talking to a professional can be helpful. Otherwise, masturbation and desire within a couple can perfectly coexist. The article "Fantasies in a Couple: How to Talk About Them Without Taboo" can also help you broach these sensitive subjects together.

When should I consult a sexologist or therapist?

Some useful signals:

• Your decreased libido has been lasting for several months;
• you are suffering from it, or you feel very out of sync with your partner;
• You avoid sexuality out of fear, shame, pain or anxiety;
• The situation creates a lot of conflict or avoidance in the couple.

A professional can help you unravel the causes (medical, psychological, relational) and find concrete paths adapted to your story.

Am I "doomed" if I have little or no libido?

No. First, some people identify as asexual and don't experience it as a problem in itself. Second, even in cases of low libido, studies show that treatment (medical, psychological, sexological) can improve desire, satisfaction, and overall well-being. Clayton & Parish, 2021 – Treatment of HSDD

Sources and resources for further exploration

To delve deeper into the topic of variations in desire, decreased libido, and their link to overall health, you can consult:

• Prevalence and disorders of desire
  Rosen RC et al., 2000 – Prevalence of sexual dysfunction in men and women
  Kingsberg SA, 2013 – Hypoactive sexual desire in women
  Parish SJ & Hahn SR, 2016 – Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder: Review
  Pedersen MB et al., 2015 – Sexual desire and satisfaction in patients & population
  Lew-Starowicz Z et al., 2019 – Prevalence of sexual dysfunctions
• Stress, relationships and desire
  Mües HM et al., 2025 – Daily stress & sexual desire
  Girouard A et al., 2025 – Daily perceived stress & sexual health in couples
  McCabe MP et al., 2017 – Relationship stress & sexual dysfunction
• Fluctuations in desire and gender differences
  Harris EA et al., 2023 – Fluctuations in desire in couples
  Gilfarb RA et al., 2022 – Female hormonal fluctuations
• Sexuality, mental health and quality of life
  Vasconcelos P et al., 2024 – Associations between sexual health and well-being (WHO)
  Arcos-Romero AI & Sierra JC, 2023 – Psychological well-being & female sexual health
  Clayton AH & Parish SJ, 2021 – Treatment of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

These resources (primarily in English) offer a complementary, scientific, and clinical perspective to help you better understand your own variations in desire—and, if needed, prepare for a more informed discussion with a professional. To continue exploring your desire on a daily basis, you can also explore our articles on the languages ​​of pleasure , pleasure without penetration , and our couples' kits designed to nurture moments of gentle, pressure-free connection.