Fantasies in a relationship: how to talk about them without taboo

1. What is a fantasy (and what purpose does it serve in a relationship)?

A fantasy is first and foremost an internal scenario : an image, a story, an exciting situation unfolding in your mind. It can be very vague (a mood, a feeling) or very detailed. It can involve your partner, someone imaginary, a different version of yourself…

Important :

• A fantasy is not a contract or an action plan.
• One can fantasize about something without wanting to experience it for real .
• We can appreciate a fantasy solely because it stimulates the imagination (role, atmosphere, feeling of power, vulnerability, etc.).

Research shows that fantasies can play a role in:

• stimulating desire (they awaken sexual imagination);
• safe space for exploration (we test in our heads, without real consequences);
• A source of creativity in a relationship, when shared tactfully. Lehmiller, 2023 – Sexual fantasy research: a contemporary review

If you want to turn some of these scenarios into concrete sensual experiences, you can also draw inspiration from our ideas in How to rekindle passion after several years of relationship or in 10 ideas to transform a mundane evening into a sensual moment .

2. No, your fantasy doesn't mean you're abnormal.

We often fear that our fantasies "say something serious" about us. In reality, the data points in the opposite direction:

• In Joyal's study, only 2 out of 55 fantasies were truly rare , the majority being frequent or typical. Joyal, 2015
• So-called "atypical" fantasies are not automatically linked to poor mental health. Some research even suggests they can be associated with good psychological adjustment, as long as they remain consensual, safe, and confined to the realm of fantasy when necessary . (Joyal, 2017 – Paraphilic interests & adjustment)

Three important points to reassure you:

1. Thinking ≠ doing. You can have a fantasy without ever wanting to act it out.
2. Fantasizing about someone else ≠ no longer desiring your partner. Imagination doesn't follow the same rules as fidelity in real life.
3. You have the right to keep certain fantasies to yourself , or not want to talk about them right away.

In short: the problem isn't having fantasies. The real question is how you live with them and how (or if) you want to integrate them into your relationship. And if certain fantasies awaken more sensitive areas (power, intensity, role-playing…), you'll find helpful guidance in *The Languages ​​of Pleasure* or *Yes Set: The Method of Exciting Consent* to maintain a safe space.

3. Fantasies can strengthen a couple (when they are well managed)

Fantasies can sometimes be frightening because they are associated with infidelity or lack. However, some research shows that, when used properly , they can be an asset.

• Recent studies suggest that fantasizing about one's partner is associated with better relationship and sexual quality . Ohri et al., 2024 – Fantasizing & relationships
• A meta-analysis of dozens of studies shows a clear link between sexual communication and sexual satisfaction . In other words, being able to talk about what you like (or don't like) often helps couples feel more fulfilled. Mallory et al., 2019 – Couples' sexual communication
• Sex therapists emphasize that exploring fantasies in therapy can help break out of routines, restore curiosity, and reintroduce playfulness into marital sex. Psychotherapy Networker – Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy

Obviously, this requires a solid foundation: respect, consent, active listening, and the ability for each person to say "yes," "no," or "why not, but differently." If you feel you need concrete guidelines to discuss this, the article "20 Intimate Questions to Strengthen Your Romantic Connection" can serve as a first step before addressing the topic of fantasies.

4. Before talking about it: sort through your fantasies

Before starting the discussion, it's helpful to clarify things for yourself:

• What fantasies are purely imaginary , pleasant to imagine but that you don't want to turn into real practice.
• What fantasies might you enjoy in real life , provided that clear boundaries are set?
• What fantasies make you uncomfortable or raise questions for you, and that you're not sure you want to share?

You can ask yourself a few simple questions:

• "Does this fantasy give me joy and excitement, or guilt and shame?"
• "Do I want to talk about it, or not at all right now?"
• "If I had to choose just one to share, which would seem the safest?"

And above all, keep in mind that certain fantasies should never be acted out in real life : anything involving a lack of consent, minors, or any illegal or dangerous situation has no place in real life. If this type of content makes you anxious or disturbs you, it can be really helpful to talk to a professional rather than dealing with it alone.

For fantasies you might like to explore one day, start with gentle, symbolic things, or tools that give you both control, like certain couple sex toys , vibrators or couple sets , always respecting each other's limits.

5. How to talk about fantasies in a relationship without ruining the mood

You don't have to come in with a "shocking confession." You can approach the subject as a playground to explore together . Here's a multi-step method.

5.1. Choose the right moment (and not in the middle of the act)

Avoid blurting out your fantasy at the most sensitive moment ("By the way, I've always dreamed of…"). Instead:

• a quiet moment (walk, sofa, Sunday morning…);
• where you are in a good mood and not in the middle of an argument;
• outside of emergency or pressure situations.

You can gently initiate the conversation: "I've recently read some things about fantasies, it's made me think... Have we talked about this before?"

5.2. Create a secure framework

Before even discussing the content, let's set the scene:

• "I'm not asking you to say yes to anything. I'd just like us to be able to talk about it freely."
• "You have every right to feel uncomfortable, to say no, or to set boundaries."
• "What we say to each other stays between us."

The safer the other person feels, the more they will be able to listen to you without feeling attacked or pressured. To cultivate this safe environment, you can also draw on the suggestions in Yes Set: the method of exciting consent .

5.3. Speak in the first person, not accusatorily.

Avoid phrases like "you don't excite me anymore, I need to…". Instead, use sentences that focus on you:

• "There are things that excite me in my mind that I'd like to share with you."
• “I like this fantasy because I feel more… (free, confident, powerful, vulnerable, etc.).”

In this way, you talk about your inner world , rather than blaming your partner.

5.4. Take it gradually

You can start with something softer or more symbolic, rather than the fantasy that seems most sensitive to you. For example:

• a change of atmosphere (lighting, role, outfit);
• a type of caress or general scenario without going into details;
• a desire for emotion (to feel very desired, guided, taken care of, etc.).

You can also ask the other person if they've ever fantasized about something they've never dared to say. And accept that the answer might sometimes be: "Not now."

5.5. Accept the other person's reaction (without taking it as a verdict on yourself)

The other has the right to:

• to feel surprised;
• to feel a little uneasy;
• not to be interested in that specific fantasy.

This isn't a judgment on your worth. It simply reveals something about your own limitations and sensitivities . You can ask:

• "How does it make you feel to hear that?"
• "Is there any part of this fantasy that you might like?"

5.6. Saying no and redrawing boundaries is also a sign of respect

It's possible – and normal – that some fantasies may not be compatible with your partner's boundaries, or with your own. In that case, it's healthy to be able to say:

• "I understand that it excites you, but it's not something I can/would want to experience."
• "Can we keep this as a fantasy, without acting it out in reality?"

The important thing is not to align all your fantasies, but to preserve a space where everyone can be heard without being forced . If you feel that your desires also diverge when it comes to accessories, you can also read "Sex toys for couples: what to do if desires diverge?" .

6. What if our fantasies don't align at all?

Good news: even very satisfied couples don't necessarily fulfill each other's fantasies 100%. What matters is how you manage these differences.

Some suggestions:

• Identify the "always no-go" (absolute no-go) for each.
• Identify the "maybes" or "in small doses" to be explored with caution.
• Identify commonalities (atmosphere, dynamics, emotions) beyond the specific scenario.

For example, if your fantasy involves a situation your partner doesn't want to experience, you could perhaps keep the central idea (feeling very desired, playing on surprise, changing the setting…) and adapt it into a version that respects each other's boundaries. To find this common ground, the guidelines in * The Languages ​​of Pleasure* can help you better understand what excites each of you (playfulness, intensity, gentleness, mental stimulation…).

7. When is it a good idea to consult a professional?

Talking about fantasies doesn't automatically require therapy. However, seeking help can be beneficial if:

• Your fantasies cause you great shame, anguish, or self-loathing ;
• they become very intrusive or interfere with your daily life or relationships;
• They are linked to trauma, aggression, a history of violence ;
• They involve non-consensual, illegal or dangerous situations and that disturbs you;
• In the couple, the subject triggers constant conflicts and you can no longer discuss things calmly.

Clinicians remind us that the role of therapists is not to judge consensual fantasies, but to help differentiate what is healthy, what can be discussed, and what should remain outside the realm of reality . Sprott et al., 2023 – Clinical Guidelines for Working with Kink

If your discussions around desire, fantasies or wants remain very tense, you can also look at more general resources on couples and sexuality, such as our article How to rekindle passion after several years of relationship .

FAQ: Fantasies in a relationship

Is it normal to have fantasies when you're in a happy relationship?

Yes. Almost all studies show that nearly everyone has fantasies , including (and sometimes especially) people in relationships. In Lehmiller's study, 96% of participants reported having them, many of whom said they were satisfied with their relationship. Lehmiller, 2018

Is fantasizing about someone else cheating?

A fantasy remains a mental activity . It doesn't create the same consequences as an action in reality. Many people fantasize occasionally about strangers, fictional characters, people from their past… without wanting to act on it or jeopardize their relationship. What matters is how you, and the two of you, interpret it—and the decisions you make in reality.

Should you tell your partner everything?

No. You don't have to share 100% of your fantasies . You can choose the ones you find shareable, exciting, potentially inspiring for the couple, and keep other things to yourself. A couple can be very intimate while still allowing each partner a private, imaginative space.

How should I react if my partner's fantasy makes me uncomfortable?

You have the right to say that you're surprised, that you don't feel ready to talk about it more, or that you don't want to act it out. The important thing is not to attack the person ("you're weird") but to talk about how you feel ("it makes me uncomfortable," "I couldn't live like that for real"). You can then see if there are gentler or symbolic versions, or decide that this fantasy will remain purely imaginary.

Why do certain fantasies make me so uncomfortable?

Because they sometimes touch on sensitive themes (power, vulnerability, transgression…) or conflict with your upbringing, your values, your history. Research shows that our imagination isn't always “politically correct,” but that it doesn't define our entire identity. If this is bothering you a lot, talking to a therapist can really help.

Can talking about fantasies damage a relationship?

It can be tricky if it's done with reproach ("you're not enough for me") or pressure ("if you love me, you'll accept it"). However, studies on sexual communication show that it's generally associated with greater satisfaction, not less, when each person can say yes or no. Mallory et al., 2019

What if I'm afraid of losing the image my partner has of me by talking about my fantasies?

It's a common fear. You can start with less sensitive topics, or talk about the subject in general ("I hear everyone fantasizes, do you too?"). You don't have to reveal your most intimate thoughts right away. Intimacy is built little by little , not with one dramatic confession. You can also use questions like those in "20 Intimate Questions to Strengthen the Romantic Connection" to prepare the ground.

Sources and resources for further exploration

To delve deeper into the topic of fantasies, communication, and couple satisfaction:

• Research on sexual fantasies
  Joyal CC., 2015 – What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy?
  Lehmiller JJ., 2023 – Sexual fantasy research: A contemporary review
  Lehmiller JJ., 2018 – Tell Me What You Want (book)
  Joyal CC., 2017 – Prevalence of paraphilic interests and behaviors
• Fantasies, satisfaction, and couple communication
  Mallory AB. et al., 2019 – Couples' sexual communication and sexual function (meta-analysis)
  Ohri N. et al., 2021 – Sexual fantasy, communication & satisfaction
  Psychotherapy Networker – Sexual Fantasies in Couples Therapy
  Richards R., 2016 – Sexual self-disclosure & relationship satisfaction
• Clinical Guidelines and Perspectives
  Sprott RA. et al., 2023 – Clinical Guidelines for Working with People Involved in Kink
  Patient.info – How to talk to your partner about a sexual problem

These resources (often in English) all show the same thing: fantasies are a normal part of human sexuality , and it's primarily how they're discussed—or not—that makes a difference in a relationship. And if you'd like to turn them into concrete experiences sometimes, you can gently explore our selection of sex toys for couples , vibrators , and gift sets for two , always with one key principle: consent, respect, and shared pleasure.